Overcoming My Mother's Legacy

My name is Colleen, and my Mom was an Alcoholic.

I never really knew my Mother due to her addiction to Alcohol. Her battle started long before I was born. By the time I came around she was fully immersed in her addiction.  She was so preoccupied with Alcohol that we always came second.

Her addiction hurt me throughout my youth. She neglected me as a small child, leaving me alone for hours at a time. As I grew older, she emotionally abused me daily.  She would steal money from my change jar, scream at me for hours at a time, and instigate fights. I also witnessed domestic abuse between my parents. It was a difficult, unsafe household, and shaped me in ways that I am still coming to terms with.

I celebrated reaching 18 years old physically intact. I had made it out.  But I was struggling inside and continued to for a decade.  It took me until 28 years old, three years after Moms death, to realize I could not outrun my past.

I experienced long term trauma and abuse as a child. I lived within an environment for 18 years that was consistently chaotic and unsafe.  Those things changed me. I had low self-confidence and lacked direction. I made choices to please those around me, not to honor my needs. Consistently I would betray myself to ensure short term safety. I was living in survival mode, without even realizing it.

Over the last few years, I have been working to reclaim my life from that dysfunctional legacy.  With therapy and writing, I am working through the things that I have been through. Healing is challenging, and exciting at the same time. There are hard days, but most of the time, I am thankful for where I am at now.  I believe that our past shapes us, but it does not define us. We have the power to decide what comes next.